8 Ways Disney Is Really Evil. I Think We’ll All Agree On #4.
Do you want to build a snowman? It’s something my girls ask me every day. Soon after I get asked this question, I’m listening to “Let It Go” in 10 different languages and be asked if we’ll ever go to the new Cinderella movie so we can go see Anna’s birthday. Frozen 2 is so far away that they have at least one tantrum a week about how slow the Walt Disney Company is working.
Yes. Disney is evil in many ways. Really evil, in fact. Although this isn’t the demonic form of evil we’re talking about here, it still feels like a boil that grows around Leela’s bikini line. Here’s why we hate Disney, but still can’t let them go.
#1. The music is everywhere. My wife still sings songs about Gaston. My boys sing the DuckTales theme song at least 47x per day. Thanks to free internet radio, streaming music apps like Spotify, and the fact that there still the biggest dog in town when it comes to family-friendly movies, it is impossible to escape Disney music. Bet you have one of those songs in your head now too.
#2. One movie gets turned into 40 billion shows. Frozen on Ice. Cars Toons. One could even say that The Black Cauldron got turned into The Gummi Bears. *shudder* Once a movie is even a minor hit, Disney milks it to death to make sure your bank accounts are dry… and then they milk you for your credit card availability too. If you go see a Disney movie in the theaters – that’s $43 for a matinee for my family, by the way – you can expect to pay 20x that amount before the story gets too old. And then…
#3. They come out with some highly anticipated, but poorly executed sequels. I’ll be the first to say that I liked Monsters University. I actually enjoyed it more than the first one. That’s the exception to the Disney rule, however, and we all know it. It’s like going to an odd-numbered Star Trek movie. You don’t really want to do it, but you feel obliged to spend your money anyway.
#4. Two words: Star. Wars. Maybe every generation does deserve their own version of this epic film. I’m kind of torn on that idea. The fact that my generation got Jar Jar Binks was enough for me to say some epic things about George Lucas for several years. It could be good. It might be epic with modern special effects. I just have one question: do we really need to have a Darth Vader slap bracelet?
If you aren’t a rebel, then you shoulda put a slap bracelet on it. It hurts? That just proves the force is strong.
#5. The Disney Vault. I can’t tell you how much I hate the 7 year cycle of movies that Disney releases. If you don’t have a copy of your favorite movie and it hits the vault – sorry! You’re screwed or you’re shopping at Goodwill for a donated copy. Disney says that they do it this way so that kids 7 and younger can always feel like they get to see a “new” movie. I call shenanigans.
If you’ve ever walked by my 4 kids when we go by Disney movies and something comes out of the fault, you’ll hear their first question loud and clear: “Dad – can we buy that?”
#6. The parents always die. Always. Have you ever noticed this fact? From Bambi to Frozen, just about every movie they make has the parents die. My kids have noticed this and have started to question it. Now I’m not supposed to fly, go on a boat, quest to fight dragons, sing to magic flowers, talk to a murder of crows, or even think about becoming a deer because something bad might happen to me.
Thanks Disney. Thanks a lot.
#7. The hidden subliminal messages. A lot of people talk about the S-E-X messages that are in movies like The Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, or even The Lion King. You know what bothers me even more? The subliminal branding that is found in Disney animated films. Pick any Disney animated movie. Now watch the background scenes closely. Bubbles, water puddles, clouds… they all have the trademark Mickey Mouse ear shapes to them.
Ever wonder why people are so desperate to drop $7,500 on a Disney theme park vacation?
#8. I still can’t get enough. I’ll be going to see the new Star Wars movies with the kids. We watch the new episodes of Rebels when they’re on TV. For Easter this year, I got a Darth t-shirt. Despite it feeling oh so wrong, the Disney brand also feels oh so right. I guess there could be worse things to which I’m addicted – like Starbucks coffee.
What are your thoughts on Disney? Do you love them? Hate them? Can’t live without them? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be watching The Incredibles for maybe the 217th time.